I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
