If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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