we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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