I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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