I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
