Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
