I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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