Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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