The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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