the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
