My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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