Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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