Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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