I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
