what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
