You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
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Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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