we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
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I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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