he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
