Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
