Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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