Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Cover your peen. We're going out.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
