Swine flu. Run for my life!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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