I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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