I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.