Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.