note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.