i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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