mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
PANTIES FOUND
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
