p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
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We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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