Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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