would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
