ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
