I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
