my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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