There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
