I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
