And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
