do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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