Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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