remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
