I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Houston, we have a squirter
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
