you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
