my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
