apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
