Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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