My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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