i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
