I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
