Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
