but the lizard people decide everything anyway
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.