I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since