Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.