The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
