You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
