when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
