I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
