do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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