you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
