Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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